I should be sleeping right now. 6:30 am is gonna come real early.
I just feel like I need to talk or write about Jesus.
I was looking back through my journal. My journal consists of the my entire college experience so far. Besides the fact I didn't journal that much in the first 2 years, it's pretty big and holds a lot of stuff. Every time I go through it I get this wrenching feeling in my gut. That journal, 500 little white pages, holds so much of me. It holds much more suffering than it does praise and looking back and reliving some of those feelings and some of those pits is just...awful. It's like painful moments etched out in front of me. I can read that old stuff and feel how terrible I felt then, or the frustration I was writing in. The pages are littered with "Lord please _____" or "God help me ______" or "Jesus let me ________"...or "why ______". Just me always asking for something. I am so thankful that I can lift everything up to Christ, because I would never be able to handle anything on my own.
All of those painful feelings that I look back on, or all of those feelings of absolute joy, whatever my heart is doing that day, has been lifted up to God. It just made me SO incredibly aware of how well He knows me. Scripture tells me He knows me. Jeremiah 1:5 tells us that He knew us when we were in the womb, He knew us when we were being formed. It should be one of those things that is certain like "Jesus loves you" followed by "Jesus knows you"..it's everywhere. But I never feel that way. I'm always questioning and wondering. But tonight looking back on all of those laments/praises/prayers, it makes it so clear to me how well He knows me. I have given Him everything for the past year and a half. Even if I didn't give it over to Him right away, at some point I've realized that i'm helpless trying to do anything by myself and eventually give it all over to the Lord.
Thank goodness I did.
My most read verses went from things like Psalm 6:6-7, "I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping. My eye wastes away because of grief; it grows weak because of all my foes." I was in such a low place then.
Now my life is more like Psalm 30, "You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness".
I need nights like tonight where God just steps in and says look at ME, focus on ME, for once. He has done so much for me, more than I could ever explain or vocalize. The changes in my heart have been so tremendous. I get frustrated sometimes, or don't feel like praying about something, but all I have to do is look back and see how much He has provided for me. He has completely changed my world in the past two years, and changed my feelings and heart. I was in a really dark place, and I tend to forget that very often. Even though it hurts to look back on those times, I am grateful that tonight that is where I was lead so I could REMEMBER Him, and the wonderful things He has done for me.
If you don't journal, dooooo iittttt. God will reveal SO much to you through that.
