He knows me..

I should be sleeping right now. 6:30 am is gonna come real early.

I just feel like I need to talk or write about Jesus.

I was looking back through my journal. My journal consists of the my entire college experience so far. Besides the fact I didn't journal that much in the first 2 years, it's pretty big and holds a lot of stuff. Every time I go through it I get this wrenching feeling in my gut. That journal, 500 little white pages, holds so much of me. It holds much more suffering than it does praise and looking back and reliving some of those feelings and some of those pits is just...awful. It's like painful moments etched out in front of me. I can read that old stuff and feel how terrible I felt then, or the frustration I was writing in. The pages are littered with "Lord please _____" or "God help me ______" or "Jesus let me ________"...or "why ______". Just me always asking for something. I am so thankful that I can lift everything up to Christ, because I would never be able to handle anything on my own.

All of those painful feelings that I look back on, or all of those feelings of absolute joy, whatever my heart is doing that day, has been lifted up to God. It just made me SO incredibly aware of how well He knows me. Scripture tells me He knows me. Jeremiah 1:5 tells us that He knew us when we were in the womb, He knew us when we were being formed. It should be one of those things that is certain like "Jesus loves you" followed by "Jesus knows you"..it's everywhere. But I never feel that way. I'm always questioning and wondering. But tonight looking back on all of those laments/praises/prayers, it makes it so clear to me how well He knows me. I have given Him everything for the past year and a half. Even if I didn't give it over to Him right away, at some point I've realized that i'm helpless trying to do anything by myself and eventually give it all over to the Lord.

Thank goodness I did.

My most read verses went from things like Psalm 6:6-7, "I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping. My eye wastes away because of grief; it grows weak because of all my foes." I was in such a low place then.

Now my life is more like Psalm 30, "You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness".

I need nights like tonight where God just steps in and says look at ME, focus on ME, for once. He has done so much for me, more than I could ever explain or vocalize. The changes in my heart have been so tremendous. I get frustrated sometimes, or don't feel like praying about something, but all I have to do is look back and see how much He has provided for me. He has completely changed my world in the past two years, and changed my feelings and heart. I was in a really dark place, and I tend to forget that very often. Even though it hurts to look back on those times, I am grateful that tonight that is where I was lead so I could REMEMBER Him, and the wonderful things He has done for me.

If you don't journal, dooooo iittttt. God will reveal SO much to you through that.

Bloggin'

Ok, so it feels like everyone I know is going to Africa this summer or either on a really awesome study abroad trip. I'm insanely jealous of all the beautiful things they will see and the incredible experiences I know await them. But i am super excited to read everyone's blogs. There is something about being able to write something down that gives so much more leeway to accurately express a feeling, rather than just telling or looking at pictures. Reading what they write gives a much better insight into the mind and hearts of the person sharing the experience. I'm excited to read about what they will get out of their summers (and will be living vicariously through them via reading blogs ;))

I'll be holdin' it down in Athens town. woo.

Fear

God taught me something today that I think is really important.

I was praying about something that if it should fail is really going to take a toll on my heart. I'll be disappointed, even though I know that any outcome would be God's sovereign plan for me, it would still make my heart ache for a little while. I was praying about taking a step, and about letting go of inhibitions, asking God if I should be be giving up on things because if I put too much into it, the disappointment of failure would be bitter. Having imagined something and never getting to experience it would be painful. Having dreamt up this wonderful vision of how i think something should be in my mind, and then having it taken away from me would be a hard blow to bear. However, God reminded me of something...when in scripture has He ever said (and feel free to correct me if i'm wrong) to live in fear? Besides living in fear of Him, when does God say "oh, i think you should be a little more cautious with this one, hold back a little." He doesn't. Living in fear is NOT living by faith. What have we to fear when our faith is in Christ? What could possibly happen to me that i couldn't bear, when I am rooted in Him?

God doesn't call us to live comfortably in a shell. He plants within each of us passions and desires that are OF Him. If He reveals to you what those are there is no way that you shouldn't be stepping out in faith to pursue them. Faith is everything! Live by faith not by sight, live by what you know is true of God, not by wordly standards and most definitely not by fear.

In Deuteronomy 31:6 and in Joshua 1:6, He tells us to be strong and courageous...He will never forsake you. Take a minute to think about the word "courage". How many times have you held back from something because you were afraid of the outcome, and because you were lacking courage? He tells us to HAVE courage! BE courageous and BE strong! If you are holding fast to the Lord, and you take that leap of faith, of being totally and utterly dependent on Him, of putting yourself completely in His hands, there is no way that you'll be defeated by failure. Having FAITH is knowing and believing God's goodness. Give yourself to Him, submit yourself to His will.
Have courage and have strength. Live by His word.

2 Timothy 1: 6-7 says "..I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God...for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control".
First of all it says fan into flame the gift of God...not extinguish it with worry. Feed into those desires that you know are from God! He put those there so that He would be glorified through you.
Also, it says God GAVE me a spirit of power...NOT of fear. When I am in Him, there is nothing that I should be afraid of. I shouldn't be afraid of failure, disappointment, heartbreak, of needing something, etc. The only thing I should fear is being far from Him. If I am with Him and I dwell in Him and He is with me in all things, there is nothing that I should fear.

Psalm 118: 6--the Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?

Here are some updates...

I'm almost HALFWAY to my goal of $2,300, which will secure my spot on the trip and i'm over 1/4 of the way to my total goal of $3,950! I still have a long way to go, but God has provided so much in the past two weeks!

Praise GOD my deadline to get $2,300 in my AIM account has been extended to May 13!! But on the not so bright side, if I haven't reached this goal by the deadline then I absolutely can't go on the trip. Don't worry, i'm not worried. Last week when I was stressing out because my goal hadn't been met on the day of the deadline, one of my friends shared this verse with me, "The Lord will fight for you and you have only to be silent" Exodus 14:14

And then my deadline was extended and He took a burden from me once again.

I don't know why I am always so surprised when I see Him coming through and constantly providing for me. God has never failed me. As another friend and I were talking about HOW GOOD HE IS last week, I came to the realization that I haven't had an unanswered prayer. Ever.
There has never been something that I prayed about that God hasn't answered in some way and in a BIG way. Nothing that i've brought to Him has been forgotten. As insignificant as I am, as sinful as i've been and all the times i've turned from Christ, He always hears me. Especially right now, i'm at a point in my life where things i've been praying about for a while are all falling into place, (3 big things to be specific) and it is such a blessing to be able to see the plan of the Lord just come together in front of me. He is absolutely marveling.

"You're the Lord of all creation, still You know my heart"

I am feeling so in love with the Lord today, this is one of those "Song of Solomon" days where I can just feel Him overwheling me with His love :) "with great delight I sat in His shadow and His fruit was sweet to my taste" (if you've never read Song of Solomon it is one of the most beautifully written books in the bible and the love that God expresses through it is absolutely beautiful...reading it literally makes me giddy)

I feel relaxed and at peace with my support raising goals. I still can't stop thinking about Africa and have been reading blogs from people who have been and who are going. I would encourage anyone who is interested, go to adventures.org and read about some of the experiences missionaries have had there. In the United States, where we know absolutely nothing about hunger or want, it is so easy for people to ignore God's presence but in Swaziland He is so apparent to them when a need is met. He is there shining through every missionary who gets to feed or hold an orphaned child. He IS love. The people there see Him in the smallest things like being able to eat a meal that day.
In Swaziland 25% of the children under 18 don't have parents. They don't know love, or the comfort and protection that most of us got from our parents as a child.
God is not letting me forget them. He is laying this mission on my heart almost everyday, even when my schedule is jam packed with other stuff. He is giving me such a desire to go there and serve Him.

I apologize for this post jumping around so much! I have a lot of things on my heart today, mainly just how good God is, but it's not easy to convey through a blog post. Days like today when He is filling my heart completely make me want to share Him with everyone. I wish that everyone could experience the love and peace of Christ. It's one of those days that make me just want to serve and live for Him, to give myself to Him completely.

Support Link

If you would like to partner with me and AIM ministries you can give to help meet my $3,950 goal here:
1. Go to www.adventures.org/give
2. Click on "Mission Trip Participant"
3. Fill in Information
Choose program: Real Life
Participant name: Brittany Dixon
Amount

Thank you so much for all of your support and prayer!

I can't wait..

I'm revising my blog to solely be about my trip (hopefully!) to Africa this summer and the things God shows me along the way. Over the past few weeks I have applied for the trip, been interviewed and accepted, and began the daunting support raising process (especially daunting because my $2,300 deadline is quickly approaching...two days, ah). I've heard so many miraculous stories about God financially providing, in excess, for people who are serving Him. I completely trust that if Africa is where He wants me to be investing myself this summer, He will provide a way for me to get there.

I can't even explain how excited I am about this trip! I keep having "African day dreams" of me talking to the people in the village about their lives, and helping them wash their clothes or take care of their children. I can't wait to go to a hospital and pray for people there and give them hope or go to an orphanage and brighten up a child's day just by playing with them, and loving them. I CAN'T WAIT to see the face of an African man or woman the first time they hear about Jesus or, if they already know Him, for them to tell me what he has done in their lives. I can't wait to talk to the people who are currently participating in the World Race, to see how God has changed their hearts and what their lives have been like for the 11 months of their trip. I can't wait to see miracles.

As I was talking to my interviewer she told me of several times when her team saw miracles performed while in Africa, and how strong the need was there. At times they were working 16 hour days, with people in lines outside of their houses, because they needed healing and wanted to know more about the "Jesus god" who was healing people of their afflictions in their village. I know experiencing the power of Christ first hand like that would strengthen my faith in ways that nothing else could. I. CAN'T. WAIT.

My deadline for $2,300 is Thursday. I'm a fourth of the way there and right now all I have left to do is trust in God to get me where I need to be. I know He will provide, my God is big.

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work" 2 Corinthians 9:8

tragedy

Most of the people I know are on a beach right now without a care in the world.
These people are suffering. Their loved ones are lost. We are the lucky ones, untouched by tragedy. I feel so blessed, but so unworthy to have (so far) never have experienced anything as fearful and as tragic as the people of Japan.




I pray that people will not be blind to the damage caused by the natural disaster in Japan and will unite to bring them help and love and continue to send them prayers.
"Together we are a force for good"